Ouch.

Last week, something happened. I won't say what. It was blasted all over social media, and it hurt my feelings in a real way. I'm not some delicate flower, mind you, with feelings that are sensitive and become tarnished or chipped away over any little thing. This felt major. And it was another example in many items in the same vein - things that bothered me in the same way, for the same reason. It all culminated in me realizing that yes, this hurt my feelings. Yes, this made me cry, almost. 

I took a week away from all forms of social media to try to reorient my head and heart. I hopped back onto the social media train with a silly update regarding One Direction, feeling better and more grounded. And then, as it turns out, something happened today that could also be lumped into that bucket of stuff that hurts.

I hate it. Feeling this way. Feeling less than. Feeling excluded, not enough. Feeling that, when I've been honest, it is not appreciated, it's disregarded, it's a delineation that allows me to be pushed aside.

Maybe I should ignore it - push it away and rely on the people that I know I can rely on. But that's hard for a million reasons. A million and one reasons. It's hard because often it's not just my feelings that are impacted. Maybe I'm holding this inside to keep it away from someone I love. Maybe I  hold it away to keep someone safe. 

But, try as I may, I don't know how to not let it impact me. 

I don't know how to shelve it without perhaps turning my heart off. And the fact is that, historically, I'm bad at that. I can't do it well, this idea of turning my heart off, of turning the volume down. 

I am strong. I know that. Everyone in my life knows that. And I can push through, keep my true feelings locked away when it behooves me. But that doesn't mean I'm not noticing things. Or that I don't care. 

Mostly it means I feel as though it wouldn't matter if I let you know that something was in fact bothering me. So, there's no use in making myself vulnerable before you.

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I just needed to get that out "on paper."